April 28, 2012
I am dating a girl who is younger and less sexually experienced than me. Our sexual relationship is quite good with the exception of oral sex. I really enjoy going down on her, but she won’t go down on me. I realize a relationship isn’t an “I did it, now you do it” situation, but I do enjoy receiving oral sex. When asked, she said that she’s just nervous about her ability. I can understand her feelings, but I believe you don’t get any better at something unless you practice. Obviously I don’t want to push her to do something she doesn’t want to do, and I’ve tried to be supportive of her, but do you have any suggestions? Should I just get used to never receiving another blowjob?
Although most women and men engage in oral sex, not all do and those who do don’t necessarily do so frequently. Plus, there was a time in every sexually active person’s life when they had never done it. For some people, oral sex seems very appealing, sexy, exciting and as though it would taste good or be very pleasing for a partner. For others, oral sex may seem unappealing, boring, dirty, or possibly bad tasting.
If your girlfriend’s only concern is that she won’t be good at it, try reassuring her – some time when you are not in the midst of sex, but just talking – that you’d like to try it and would like to support her in her exploration. Some people worry that once they start oral sex, they have to continue to completion, such as to the point when one’s partner experiences orgasm as a result of oral sex. You might let her know that this isn’t the case at all and that she could try it for as little as a few seconds, just to get a taste for it (so to speak). You might ask if there are things she’d prefer you do (such as shower, wash up, or trim your pubic hair) before oral sex.
If she’s not into it and doesn’t want to try, that’s another story. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to get used to the idea that you will never in your whole life receive another blowjob. If you think of it that way, you may feel negatively about your relationship, your sex life, or your girlfriend. And the fact is, you have no way of knowing what the future will be. Maybe if you stop asking for a while she will stop feeling pressured and eventually give it a try. Perhaps you will read a sex book together (such as Sex Made Easy or Moregasm) that helps her to feel more positively about sexual exploration and oral sex and, down the road, perhaps she will see a new perspective on it. It’s also possible that you may not stay together and that a future partner will perform oral sex on you. There’s no way to predict the future.
In the mean time, you might see what else the two of you can do to create a mutually pleasurable sex life. Try to create opportunities to talk about sex outside the bedroom. With time, practice, experience and patient/support from you, your girlfriend may become more comfortable talking about sex – and also having it. And you may also learn a thing or two! Even very sexually experienced people have “aha” moments and surprises when it comes to sex. By asking your girlfriend how your sex life feels to her, and staying attentive to what feels pleasurable (emotionally and physically) for her, you may be find new worlds to explore yourself.
Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good, Read My Lips, The I Love You More Book, Great in Bed, and Sex Made Easy. Find our blog, sex information, podcasts and archived Q&A at www.KinseyConfidential.org. Follow us on Twitter @KinseyCon and follow Debby at @mysexprofessor.