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I love my wife.  When we were dating, she always assured me that sex would be adventurous and often when we married. We’ve been married now 2 years and sex is actually worse. I feel horrible saying it, this is unhealthy I know. I love her but can't keep this going. I worry I will cheat knowing sex isn't an option for her.  Btw, every time I leave she tells me how much she misses and loves me. When we have sex she is done minutes before me.  I am stuck in a sort of hell. I love her. But with nothing physical, I know I cannot last.  I'm embarrassed and venting sorry. Please help.

 

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a rough time in your marriage. Different ways of experiencing sexual desire is common for many couples. You might try reading a book like Passionate Marriage or Come As You Are together or, even better, meeting together with a sex therapist - find one in your area through sstarnet.org or aasect.org. If you are able, you could even consider a sex therapy retreat (see crucibletherapy.com for some ideas).

 

It's impossible for people to predict what their sex life will be like in the future and I'm sure at the time your then-girlfriend, now-wife was sincere. People's sex drives change for so many different reasons (e.g., work, stress, health reasons, feeling pressured, feeling like their partner only wants sex instead of intimate connection, and so on) - whatever the reason, it's clear you two are feeling disconnected and could use some help getting back on track (a common enough issue). I hope these ideas help start a conversation and a pathway back to a more fulfilling sex life and marriage.

 

Debby Herbenick, PhD is an Associate Professor at Indiana University’s School of Public Health and a Research Fellow and sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute. She’s the author of six books about sex; her newest is The Coregasm Workout. Follow Kinsey Confidential on Twitter @KinseyCon & visit us online at www.KinseyConfidential.org

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